LETTER 101 [commentary]
 
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE
THURSDAY P.M., APRIL 13.
  I am infinitely concerned, my ever dear and ever kind friend, that I am the sad occasion of the displeasure between your mamma and you.--How many unhappy persons I have made!—   Had I not to console myself, that my error is not owing to wicked precipitation, I should be the most miserable of all creatures.  As it is, I am enough punished in the loss of my character, more valuable to me than my life; and in the cruel doubts and perplexities which, conflicting with my hopes, and each getting the victory by turns, harrow up my soul between them.   I think, however, that you should obey your mamma, and decline a correspondence with me; at least for the present.  Take care how you fall into my error; for that begun with carrying on a prohibited correspondence; a correspondence which I thought it in my power to discontinue at pleasure.  My talent is scribbling; and I the readier fell into this freedom, as I found delight in writing; having motives too, which I thought laudable; and, at one time, the permission of all my friends; to write to him.   Yet, (although I am ready sometimes to discontinue a correspondence so dear to me, in order to make your mamma easy), what hurt could a letter now and then from each do?—mine occasionally filled with self-accusation too!—so much prudence and discretion as you have; and lying  under no temptation of following so bad an example, in writing to me   I thank you heartily for your kind offers.  You may be assured, that I will sooner be beholden to you, than to any body living.  To Mr. Lovelace the last.  Do not therefore think, that by declining your favours, I have an intention to lay myself under obligations to him.   I am willing to hope, notwithstanding what you write, that I shall have  my little money, together with my clothes, sent by my friends.  They are too considerate, some of them at least, to permit that I should be put to such low difficulties.  Perhaps, they will not be in haste to oblige me.  But, if not, I cannot yet want.  I believe you think, I must not dispute with Mr. Lovelace the expenses of the road and lodgings, till I can get a fixed abode.  But I hope soon to put an end even to those small sort of obligations.   Small hopes indeed of a reconciliation from your account of my uncle's visit to your mamma, in order to set her against an almost friendless creature whom once he loved!  But is it not my duty to try for it?  Ought I to widen my error by obstinacy and resentment, because of their resentment; which must appear reasonable to them, as they suppose my flight premeditated; and as they are made to believe, that I am capable of triumphing in it, and over them, with the man they hate?  When I have done all in my power to restore myself to their favour, I shall have the less to reproach myself with.— These considerations make me waver about following your advice, in relation to marriage; and the rather, as he is so full of complaisance with regard to my former conditions, which he calls my injunctions.  And, at the same mediation my friends, as you tell me, have so strenuously declared against; I am ready to fix all my reliance on my cousin Morden.  For I think that if I can be secure in a tolerable state of independence till he comes to England, all must then be determined in a better manner, than by any other way.   Yet, if I cannot get this man to leave me, how shall terms to my friends be proposed?  IF he do, and they should get me back again by force which you think they would attempt but for fear of him; how will the severest acts of compulsion which they can have recourse to, be justified by my flight from them?--And while we are together, and unmarried as you observe, what censures to I expose myself to!  And must I then, to save the poor remains of my reputation in the world’s eye, watch the gracious motion from this man’s lips?   I will acquaint you, as you desire, with all that passes between us.  Hitherto I have not discovered any thing in his behaviour that is very exceptionable.  Yet I cannot say, that I think the respect he shews me, an easy, unrestrained, and natural respect, although I can hardly tell where the fault is.   But he has doubtless an arrogant and encroaching spirit.  Nor is he so polite as his education, and other advantages, might have made one expect him to be.  He seems, in short, to be one, who has always had too much of his own will to study to accommodate himself to that of others.   As to the placing of some confidence in him, I shall be as ready to take your advice in this particular, as in all others, and as he will be to deserve it.  But tricked away as I was by him, not only against my judgment, but my inclination, can he, or any body, expect, that I should immediately treat him with complaisance, as if I acknowledged obligation to him for carrying me away?--If I did, must he not either think he a vile dissembler before he gained that point, or afterwards?   Indeed, indeed, my dear, I could tear my hair, on reconsidering what you write (as to the probability that the dreaded Wednesday was more dreaded than it needed to be) to think, that I should be thus tricked by this man; and that, in all likelihood, through his vile agent Joseph Leman.  So premeditated and elaborate a wickedness as it must be!--Must I not, with such a man, be wanting to myself, if I were not jealous and vigilant?--Yet what a life to live for a spirit so open, and naturally so unsuspicious, as mine?   I am obliged to Mr. Hickman for the assistance he is so kindly ready to give to our correspondence.  He is so little likely to make to himself an additional merit with the daughter upon it, that I shall be very sorry, if he risk any thing with the mother by it.   I am now in a state of obligation: so must rest satisfied with whatever I cannot help.  Whom have I the power, once so precious to me, of obliging?  --What I mean, my dear, is, that I ought, perhaps, to expect, that my influences over you are weakened by my indiscretion.  Nevertheless, I will not, if I can help it, desert myself, nor give up the privilege you used to allow me, of telling you what I think of such parts of your conduct as I may disapprove of.   You must permit me therefore, severe as your mother is against an undesigning offender, to say that I think your liveliness to her inexcusable--to pass over, for this time, what nevertheless concerns me not a little, the free treatment you almost indiscriminately give to my relations.   If you will not, for your duty's sake, forbear your tauntings and impatience, let me beseech you, that you will for mine.--Since otherwise, your mamma may apprehend that my example, like a leaven, is working itself into the mind of her beloved daughter.  And may not such an apprehension give her an irreconcilable displeasure against me?   I enclose the copy of my letter to my sister, which you are desirous to see.  You will observe, that although I have not demanded my estate in form, and of my trustees, yet that I have hinted at leave to retire to it.  How joyfully would I keep my word, if they would accept of the offer I renew!--It was not proper, I believe you will think, on many accounts, to own that I was carried off against my inclination.    I am, my dearest friend,   Your ever obliged and affectionate, CL. HARLOWE.

 

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