Letter 215: MR LOVELACE TO JOHN
BELFORD, ESQ.
Sunday night
This Captain Tomlinson is one
of the happiest, as well as one of the best men in the world. What would I give to stand as high I
n my beloved's opinion as he does! But
yet, I am as good a man as he, were I to tell my own story, and have equal
credit given to it. But the devil should have had him before I had seen him on
the account he came upon, had I thought I should not have answered my principal
end in it--I hinted to thee in my last what that was. But to the particulars of the conference between
my fair one, and me, on her hasty messages; which I was loath to come to,
because she has had a half triumph over me in it. After I had attended the captain down to the very
passage, I returned to the dining-room, and put on a joyful air, on my
beloved's entrance into it-Oh my dearest
creature, let me congratulate you on a prospect so agreeable to your
wishes!--And I snatched her hand, and smothered it with my kisses. I was going on; when, interrupting
me--You see, Mr Lovelace, said she, how you
have embarrassed yourself by your own obliquities!--You
see that you have not been able to return a direct answer to a plain and honest
question, though upon it depends all the happiness you congratulate me upon the
prospect of. You know, my best love, what my prudent, and I will
say, my kind motives were, for giving out that we were married. You see
that I have taken no advantage of it; and that no inconvenience has followed
it--You see that your uncle wants only to be assured from ourselves that it is
so- Not another word to this purpose, Mr Lovelace. I
will not only risk, but I will forfeit, the reconciliation so near my heart,
rather than I will go on to countenance a story so untrue! My dearest
soul--would you have me appear- For one week, my dearest life,
cannot you for one week, only till the settlements- Not for one hour, with my own
consent--You don't
know, sir, how much I have been afflicted that I have appeared to the people
below what I am not. But my uncle, sir, shall never have it to upbraid me, nor
will I to upbraid myself, that I have willfully passed myself upon him in false
lights. What, my dear, would you have me
to say to the captain tomorrow morning?--I have given him room to think-- No. (page 690) And may I, Mr Lovelace, never be happy in this
life, if I submit to the passing upon my uncle Harlowe a willful and premeditated falsehood for truth! I have too long laboured under the
affliction which the rejection of all my friends has given me, to purchase
their reconciliation now at so dear a price as at that of my veracity. The women below, my dear-- What are they to
me?--I want not to establish
myself with them. Need they know all that passes between my relations and you and me? Neither are they anything to me, madam. Only, that
when, for the sake of preventing the fatal mischiefs which might have attended
your brother's projects, I have made them think us married, I would not appear
to them in a light which you yourself think so shocking. By my soul, madam, I
had rather die, than I
contradict myself so flagrantly, after I have
related to them so many circumstances of our marriage. Well, sir, the women may believe what they please. That I have given countenance to what
you told them, is my error. The many circumstances which you own one untruth has drawn you in to relate, is a justification of
my refusal in the present case. Don't you see, madam, that your uncle wishes to
find us married? May not the ceremony be privately over before his mediation
can take place? Urge this point no farther, Mr
Lovelace. If you will not tell the truth, I will, tomorrow
morning, if I see Captain Tomlinson, tell it myself. Will you, madam, consent that things pass as
before with the people below? This mediation of Tomlinson may come to
nothing. Your brother's schemes may be pursued; the rather, that now he
will know (perhaps from your uncle), that you are not under a legal
protection--You will, at least, consent that things pass here as before? To permit this, is to go on in an error, Mr Lovelace.
But as the occasion for so doing (if there can be an occasion in
your opinion, that will warrant an untruth), will, as I presume, soon be over,
I shall the less dispute that point with you. But a new error I will not be
guilty of, if I can avoid it. Can I, do you think, madam, have any dishonourable view in the step I supposed you
would not scruple to take towards a reconciliation with your own family?--Not
for my own
sake, you know, did I hope you to take
it--for what is it to me, if I am never reconciled to your family? I want no
favours from them. I hope, Mr Lovelace, there is no occasion in our
present not disagreeable situation to answer such a question. And let me
say, that I shall think my prospects still more agreeable if, tomorrow morning,
you will not only own the very truth, but give my uncle's friend such an
account of the steps you have taken, and are taking, as may keep up my uncle's
favourable intentions towards me. This you may do under what restrictions of
secrecy you please. Captain Tomlinson is a prudent
man; a promoter of family peace, you find; and, I dare say, may be made a friend. I saw there was no help. I saw
that the inflexible Harlowe spirit was all up in her--A little witch!--a
little--Forgive me, Love, for calling her names: and so I said, with an air, We
have had too many misunderstandings, madam, for me to wish for new ones; I will
obey you without reserve. Had I not thought I should have obliged you by the
other method (especially as the ceremony might have (page 691) been over before anything could have operated from you uncle's
intentions, and of consequence no untruth persisted in), I would not have proposed
it--But think not, my beloved creature, that you shall enjoy, without condition,
this triumph over my judgement. She was not mortally
offended--And now must I make
out the rest as well as I can. But
this I will tell thee, that although her triumph has not diminished my love for
her; yet has it stimulated me more than ever to revenge, as thou wilt be
apt to call it. But victory or conquest
is the more proper name. There is a pleasure, 'tis true, in subduing one of
these watchful beauties. But, by my soul, Belford, men of our cast take twenty
times the pains to be rogues, that it would cost them to be honest; and dearly,
with the sweat of our brows, and to the puzzling of our brains (to say nothing
of the hazards we run), do we earn our purchase: and ought not therefore to be
grudged our success, when we meet with it--especially as, when we have obtained
our end, satiety soon follows; and leaves
us little or nothing to show for it. But this, indeed, may be said of all
worldly delights--and is not that a grave reflection from me? I was willing to write up to the time. Although I
have not carried my principal point, I shall make something turn out in my
favour from Captain Tomlinson's errand--But let me give thee this caution; that
thou do not pretend to judge of my devices by parts; but have patience till thou seest the whole. But once more
I swear, that I will not be out-Norrised by
a pair of novices. And yet I am very apprehensive, at times, of the
consequences of Miss Howe's smuggling scheme.
'Tis late, or rather early; for the day begins to
dawn upon me. I am plaguy heavy. Perhaps I need not to have told thee that. But
will only indulge a doze in my chair, for an hour; then shake myself, wash, and
refresh. At my time of life, with my constitution, that's all that's wanted. Good night to
me!--It cannot be broad day till I am awake--Aw-w-w-w-haugh--Pox of this yawning! Is not thy uncle dead yet?
I would have you appear, sir, as you are! I am resolved that I will appear to my uncle's friend, and to my
uncle, as I am.
Then put him right, Mr Lovelace. Tell the truth. Tell him what you please of
your relations' favour to me: tell him what you will about the settlements: and
if w hen drawn, you will submit them to his perusal
and approbation, it will show him how much you are in earnest.
My dearest life--do you think that he would disapprove of the terms I have
offered?--. _
Then may I be accursed, if I willingly submit to be trampled under foot by my
enemies!
Indeed I will.
And then, clasping my arms about her, I gave her struggled-away cheek (her
charming lip designed) a fervent kiss--And your forgiveness of this sweet
freedom (bowing) is that condition.
What's come to mine, that he writes not to my last!--Hunting after more wisdom
of nations, I suppose!--Yaw-Yaw-Yawning
again!--Pen, begone!
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