Letter 254: MR. LOVELACE TO JOHN BELFORD, ESQ.
Monday, June 12
DIDST ever see a licence, Jack?
N.N by divine permission, Lord Bishop of London, to our well beloved in Christ, Robert Lovelace (Your servant, my good lord! What have I done to merit so much goodness, who never saw you lordship in my life?), of the parish of St. Martin's in the Fields, bachelor, and Clarissa Harlowe of the same parish, spinster,(2) sendeth greeting. WHEREAS ye are, as is alleged, determined to enter into the holy state of matrimony (This is only alleged, thou observest), by and with the consent of, etc. etc. etc., and are very desirous of obtaining for your marriage to be solemnized (3)in the face of the church: We are willining that such your honest desires (honest desires, Jack!) may more speedily have their due effect: and therefore that ye may be able to procure such marriage to be freely and lawfully solemnized in the parish church of St. Martin in the Fields, or St. Giles's in the Fields, in the county of Middlesex, by the rector, vicar, or curate thereof, at any time of the year (at ANY time of the year, Jack!), without publication of banns:(4) Provided, by that reason of any precontract (I verily think, that I have has three of four precontracts in my time, but the good girls have not claimed upon them of a long time), consanguinity,(5) affinity(6) , or any other lawful cause whatsoever, there be no lawful impediment in this behalf; and that there be not at this time any action, suit, plaint, quarrel, or demand, moved or depending before any judge ecclesiastical or temporal, for or concerning any marriage contracted by or with of you; and that the said marriage be openly solemnized in the church above mentioned, between the hours of eight and twelve in the forenoon; and without prejudice to the minister of the place where the said woman is a parishioner : (7)We do hereby, for good causes (It cost me--let me see, Jack--what did it cost me?), give and grant our license, or faculty, as well to you the parties contracting, as to the rector, vicar, or curate of the said church, where the said marriage is intended to be solemnized, to solemnize the same in manner and form above-specified, according to the rites and ceremonies prescribed in the Book of Common Prayer in that behalf published by authority of Parliament. Provided always, that if hereafter any fraud shall appear to have been committed, at the time of granting this license, either by false suggestions, of concealment of the truth (Now this, Belford, is a little hard upon us: for I cannot say that every one of our suggestions is literally true--So, in good conscience, I ought no to marry under this license), the license shall be void to all intents and purposes, as if the same had not been granted. And in that case, we do inhibit all ministers whatsoever, if anything of the premises shall come to their knowledge, from proceeding to the celebration of the said marriage, without first consulting Us, our Vicar-general, Given, etc.
Then follow the registar's name, and a large perdent seal, with these words round it: SEAL OF THE VICAR-GENERAL AND OFFICIAL PRINCIPAL OF THE DIOCESE OF LONDON.
A good whimsical instrument, take it all together!--But what, thinkest thou, are the arms to this matrimonial harbinger (8)?--Why, in the first place, two crossed swords; to show that marriage is a state of offence as well as defence: three lions; to denote that those who enter into the state ought to have a triple proportion of courage. And (couldst thou have imagined that these priestly fellows, in so solemn a case, would cut their jokes upon poor souls who come to have their honest desires put in a way to be gratified?) there are three crooked horns, smartly top-knotted with ribands; which being the ladies' wear seem to indicate that they may very probably adorn, as well as bestow, the bull's feather.
To describe it according to heraldry art (9), if I am not mistaken: Gules, two swords, saltire-wise, Or; second coat, a chevron sable between three buglehorns, Or (so it ought to be): on a chief of the second, three lions rampant of the first--But the devil take them for their hieroglyphics (10), should I say, if I were determined in good earnest to marry!
And determined to marry I would be, were it not for this consideration: that once-married, and I am married for life.
That's the plague of it!--Could a man do as the birds do, change every Valentine's day (a natural appointment! for birds have not the sense, forsooth, to fetter themselves, as we wiseacre men take great and solemn pains to do); there would be nothing at all in it. And what a glorious time would the lawyers have, on the one hand, with their noverint universi's ,(11) and suits commenceable on restitution of goods and chattles; and the parsons, on the other, with their indulgence (12)(renewable annually, as other licenses) to the honest desires of their clients?
Then, were a stated mulct (13) , according to rank or fortune, to be paid on every change, towards the exigencies of the State (but none on renewals with the old lovers, for the sake of encouraging constancy, especially among the minores), the change would be made sufficiently difficult, and the whole public would be the better for it; while those children of which the parents could not agree about maintaining might be considered as the children of the public (14), and provided for like the children of the ancient Spartans; who were (as ours in this case would be) a nation of heroes. How, Jack, could I have improved upon Lycurgus's (15)institutions, had I been a lawgiver?
Did I never show thee a scheme, which I drew up on such a notion as this? In which I demonstrated the conveniences, and the obviated inconveniences, of changing the present mode to this? I believe I never did.
I remember I proved, to a demonstration, that such a change would be a means of annihilating, four or five very atrocious and capital sins--rapes, vulgarly so called; adultary, and fornication; nor would polygamy (16)be panted after. Frequently would it prevent murders and dueling: hardly any such thing as jealousy (the cause of shocking violences) would be heard of: and hyprocrisy between man and wife be banished the bosoms of each. Nor, probably, would the reproach of barrenness (17) rest, as now it too often does, where it is least deserved-Nor would there possibly be such a person as a barren woman.
Moreover, that a multitude of domestic quarrels would be avoided, were such a scheme carried into execution? Since both sexes would bear with each other, in the view that they could help themselves in a few months.
And then what a charming subject for conversation would be the gallant and generous last partings between man and wife! Each, perhaps, a new mate in eye, and rejoicing secretly in the manumission (18), could afford to be complaisantly sorrowful in appearence. 'He presented her with his jewel, it will be said by the reporter, for example sake: she him with that, How he wept! How she sobbed! How they looked after one another!' Yet, that's the jest of it, neither of them wishing to stand another twelvemonth's trial.
And if giddy (19)fellows, or giddy girls, misbehave in a first marriage, whether from noviceship(20), having expected to find more in the matter than can be found; or from perverseness on her part, or positiveness on his, each being mistaken in the other ( a mighty difference, Jack, in the same person, an inmate or a visitor); what a fine opportunity will each have, by this scheme, of recovering a lost character, and of setting all right in the next adventure?
And Oh Jack, with what joy, with what rapture, would the changelings (or changables, if thou like that word better) number the weeks, the days, the hours, as the annual obligation approached its desirable period!
As for the spleen or vapours (21), no such malady would be known or heard of. The physical tribe would, indeed, be the sufferers, and the only sufferers: since fresh health and fresh spirits, the consequences of sweet blood and sweet humors (the mind and body continually pleased with each other), would perpetually flow in; and the joys of expectation, the highest of all our joys, would salubriate and keep all alive.
But, that no body of men might suffer, the physicians, I thought, might turn parsons, as there would be a great demand for parsons. Besides, as they would be partakers in the general benefit, they must be sorry fellows indeed if the preferred themselves to the public.
Everyone would be married a dozan times, at least. Both men and women would be careful of their characters, and polite in their behaviour, as well as delicate in their persons, and elegant in their dress (a great matter each of these, let me tell thee, to keep passion alive), either to induce a renewal with the old love, or to recommend themselves to a new. While the newspapers would be crowded with paragraphs (22), all the world their readers, as all the world would be concerned to see who and who's together--
'Yesterday, for instance, entered
into the holy state of matrimony (We should all speak reverently of matrimony
then) the Right Honourable Robert, Earl
(23) Lovelace (I shall be an Earl by that
time), with her Grace the Duchess Dowager of Fifty-manors; his lordship's
one-and-thirtieth wife'-- I shall then be contented, perhaps, to take up, as it
is called, with a widow. But she must not have had more than one husband
neither. Thou knowest that I am nice in these
particulars.
I know, Jack, that thou, for thy part,
wilt approve of my scheme.
As Lord M. and I, between us, have three or four boroughs at command, I think I will get into Parliament, in order to bring in a Bill for this good purpose.
Neither will the Houses of Parliament, nor the Houses of Convocation, have reason to object to it. And all the courts, whether spiritual or sensual, civil or uncivil, will find their account in it, when passed into a law.
By my soul, Jack, I should be apprehensive of a general insurrection, and that incited by the women, were such a Bill to be thrown out--For here is the excellency of the scheme: the women will have equal reason with the men to be pleased with it.
Dost think that old prerogative Harlowe, for example, must not, if such a law were in being, have pulled in his horns?--So excellent a lady as he has would never else have renewed with such a gloomy tyrant: who, as well as all other tyrants, must have been upon goog behaviour from year to year.
A termagant (24)wife, if such a law were to pass, would be a phoenix (25).
The churches would be the only market-places for the fair sex; and domestic excellence the capital recommendation.
Nor would there be an old maid in Great Britain and all its territories. For what an odd soul must she be, who could not have her twelve-month's trial?
In short, a total alteration for the better in the morals and way of life in both sexes must, in a very few be the consequense of such a salutary (26) law.
Who would have expected such a one from me? I wish the devil owe me not a spite for it.
Then would not the distinction be very pretty, Jack; as in flowers--such a gentleman, or such a lady, is an ANNUAL (27)--such a one a PERENNIAL (28).
One difficulty however, as I remember, occurred to me, upon the probability that a wife may be enciente (29), as the lawyers call it. But thus I obviated it.
That no man should be allowed to marry another woman without his then wife's consent, till she were brought to bed, and he had defrayed all incident charges; and till it was agreed upon between them, whether the child should be his, hers, or the public's. The women, in this case, to have what I call the coersive option: for I would not have it in the man's power to be a dog neither.
And, indeed, I gave the turn of the scale, in every part of my scheme, in the woman's favour: for dearly do I love the sweet rogues.
How infinitely more preferable this my scheme, than the polygamy one of the old patriarchs; who had wives and concubines without number! I believe David and Solomon (30) had their hundreds at a time. Had they not, Jack?
Let me add, that annual Parliaments and annual marriages, are the projects next my heart. How could I expiate upon the benefits that would arise from both!